Bedhead!

I'm so happy that today I get to write about having "Bedhead!" When I wake up in the morning I finally have enough hair where it gets messy. It was so funny because the other evening I took a short nap before seeing the musical "Avenue Q." When I woke up from my nap I got dressed for the theatre and then noticed my hair was all over the place. Each of the short hair strands were going every which way on top of my head. It's hilarious because who would have every thought I would get so excited about having messy hair? But I guess when you loose your hair and then it comes back, even the smallest reminders of your hair's return really do make a difference.

Now all I need to do is to learn how to style my new short hair. I don't know if I should gel it down or spike it once is grows in a little more. I've never had hair this short before, so I'm really at a loss for how I should style it. I would love to hear any suggestions!!!! Please tell me your ideas, they will be greatly appreciated! The other problem I have is my hair is not growing at the same rate. So I have some portions of my hair that are longer than others. Having uneven hair lengths really do make it difficult to manage, any suggestions?
Danielle

Doctor's Visit

Today I met with my radiation doctor at UCLA. Dr. Selch says I'm slowly getting better and it is only a matter of time until I am back to my normal healthy self again! I guess my throat is still a little swollen and I still need to get plenty of rest, but the good news is I am on my way to a full recovery. Until I am completely better I just have to make sure I don't push myself too hard, and it is important that I continue to listen to my body for what I can and can't do. It has been a long road so far, but it is amazing to think I'm almost done. Now I will be meeting with my oncologist doctor next week.
Danielle

Radiation Check-Up

Here are some photos of my last radiation treatment and some of the equipment the technicians use to administer the radiation:

It is so strange for me to look back at these pictures. It is hard to believe I have survived all of these cancer treatments. I'm so grateful for today's technology, and all of my amazing doctors and nurses along the way. I also feel so lucky that I have been able to make such a horrible disease like cancer into something so positive. I have survived a disease that affects millions of people worldwide each year, and I have learned how to connect with so many MORE people along the way. As I continue my journey, I know for sure I'll live my life with a new appreciation for people and technology.

Tomorrow I have an appointment to meet with my radiation doctor Dr. Selch at UCLA Medical Center. My doctor wants to check-in with me to make sure I am healing after my last radiation session. I am feeling a lot better. I have noticed my throat and dry mouth are improving-YAY! Plus, I'm happy to report that my taste is finally coming back. Food is beginning to have taste once again. It was so funny because when I had no taste I couldn't even really taste cheese and I hate cheese, but now I can taste it once again. So sorry folks, there goes my experimentation with eating cheese!

Wish me good luck tomorrow!

Danielle

More Pictures from My Last Day

Here are some more pictures from last day of radiation at UCLA Medical Center on January 8, 2010. In the top two pictures are my sisters Deanna and Brittany. In the first picture, Deanna and I are waiting in the waiting room for me to be called for my radiation. In UCLA's radiation department they have a circular waiting room with cameras. Instead of checking in at the front desk when you arrive, you take a seat and one of the radiation technicians will look for you in the waiting room using the cameras. At first this was strange to get use to because I'm so accustomed to always checking in at the front desk when you arrive for an appointment. Plus sometimes I would confuse the radiation technicians because I would wear different wigs or hats, so they were never 100% sure if it was me waiting in the waiting room. One time the technicians even got me confused with my sister Brittany because I was wearing a short brown hair wig that day-that was funny!

The next picture is of my sisters Deanna and Brittany also waiting in the waiting room putting together a puzzle. Every day there was always a puzzle out for radiation patients and their families to work on. We saw a few different puzzles out there during my course of radiation treatments. It was always nice to do the puzzle while waiting, in order to get your mind off of the radiation treatment.

The first picture on the bottom is a picture of my sister Brittany and I waiting by the elevators. During the peak hours at UCLA sometimes you would be waiting awhile for an elevator. The radiation department is in the basement of the medical center. They're in the basement with no windows in order to contain all of the radiation. The department even told me they have led panels all throughout the walls, so the radiation doesn't leave the building. At first it was weird to go down to the basement with no windows, but I got use to it really fast, it almost became more like an adventure, my own personal underground bat cave.

The second picture on the bottom is of my mom and I in front of the room where I would enter for my radiation treatment. They had different rooms with different letters for different types of radiation patients. I would always joke that my "D" room stood for "Danielle's Room." This room was where the radiation technicians worked and was connected to a larger room, which was where I went for the actual radiation beams. The two rooms were separated by a HUGE and HEAVY door that blocked out the radiation when I was receiving my treatment.

Thanks mom, Brittany, and Deanna for coming with me to my last radiation treatment and being amazing models!

It has been five days since my last radiation treatment and I'm still feeling really tired and my throat is still hurting just as bad. I also haven't recovered my sense of taste yet, which I'm sure you can imagine is really frustrating. You smell and imagine all of this tasty food, and then it doesn't taste very good when you actually eat it. Like the other night I went out for my favorite food-sushi, and it just didn't taste good to me. However, all of this is normal. The doctors say I have at least 10 days before I'll start to feel better, so I'm hanging in there!

Danielle

Done with Radiation

Yay! I'm all done with radiation. Today was my last day and I must say I am so relieved. I feel so happy that all the treatments are over and now I can really work on healing my body from the inside out. I want to make sure I get enough rest and eat healthy, so I hopefully don't get sick again. I'm going to try to live a healthy lifestyle because one thing that this whole experience has taught me is just how important it is to treat your body like a temple.

Here are some photos from this morning. My mom and sisters Deanna and Brittany and Brittany's boyfriend Dan all came with me to my last radiation treatment. The radiation team let me keep my mask afterwards and also gave me a diploma for completing all my radiation treatments. In this picture I am outside of UCLA and I'm holding my mask and diploma. It is funny that the radiation department gave me a certificate for completion. It is fun and I really like the humor! I also have some photos of the radiation equipment that I will post on my blog in the coming days. So once again yay! it is done. Thank you to everyone for all your love and support during this difficult journey. I couldn't have done it without everyone!

Danielle

Almost a Buzz Cut

Tonight I'm so excited because tomorrow is my last day of radiation!! My mom and sisters are planning on coming with me to my last treatment and then afterwards I'm sure we will do something to celebrate.

I do feel anxious for tomorrow. I have been looking forward to the end of my cancer treatments ever since I started back in August. I can't believe it is already January and I'm almost done. From the beginning of my fight I knew I would have to be patient and that my journey would be long and hard, but now that I'm almost done, I'm so proud of all that I have accomplished. Looking back at everything I have gone through (from MRIs to bone narrow tests to PET/CTs to fertility treatments to chemotherapy to loosing my hair to heart stress tests to radiation) I'm so glad that I was able to keep such a positive outlook on so many of these scary circumstances. I don't say this for pity, but for encouragement: if I could do it, anyone can.

In August I remember feeling overwhelmed with the idea that my fight with cancer would take so many months. I felt as if it was so unfair that I would have to put my life on hold for this horrible disease. I kept asking why did I have to loose my hair and feel sick, when all the other people I knew in their 20s where out having fun? How could I survive 5 months of fighting a horrible disease like cancer? We'll, now it is almost over and I can proudly say I SURVIVED! I have learned that I am BEAUTIFUL with no hair! I have learned that to enjoy life you don't need to be constantly going out on the town, but what you do need is close FAMILY MEMBERS and FRIENDS. And finally I have learned that in order to fight any illness you need a GOOD ATTITUDE and COURAGE. You don't need to be courageous all of the time, but you need to have enough courage to remain DETERMINED. I admit there were mornings when I didn't want to get out of bed or go to my next chemotherapy session (just the thought of the red adriamycin made me sick) but I knew I owed it to myself to get better, and that in a matter of time this would all be over. Now I'm almost done and I'm so proud of myself for sticking with it.

And talking about sticking with it, my hair is growing back! I would say right now I have almost a buzz cut. My head feels very soft, but you can still see my scalp. Today I took Riley on a walk and I was wearing a hat. When we got back and I took off my hat, I was joking I had "hat hair" because some of my thin hair strands were folded over. Hey, you got to start somewhere. I also like to joke that it is coming back gray. Right now my hair is soo thin that it looks a little gray, so now I get a taste for the future, and I must say I don't look half bad with gray hair-hahaha.

Wish me good luck on my last radiation treatment!
Danielle

3 More Days

I am happy to write that I have only three more days of radiation to go and then I'm done! My last radiation treatment is this Friday at 9:50am pacific coast time (and counting!). I met with my radiation doctor this week and he feels confident that Friday will be my last day. He wants to see me in two weeks, but he feels certain I will not need anymore radiation. YAY! Just in time too, my throat is really beginning to hurt. I tired out some medicine from the doctor, but I don't like how it makes my entire mouth numb. Plus, now I'm beginning to lose some taste in my mouth. The food I'm eating tastes a little bit metallic. It is disappointing because the foods I love definitely don't taste the same anymore. And finally, I feel exhausted! My daily routine consists of taking at least a one to three hour nap every afternoon. Sure taking daily naps do seem appealing, but when they get in the way of your daily activities, they get annoying. Plus even after the nap I still feel tired. So I'm excited for this Friday when I'll be done with my radiation. Now all I have to do is think of a way to celebrate. Any ideas?
Danielle

"Invictus"

On New Year's Day my family and I saw the movie "Invictus." I thought the movie was well directed and the actors did a great job, especially Morgan Freeman! However, what really intrigued me about the movie was the poem "Invictus" by William Ernest Henley. Before the movie I had never heard of Henley or his poem, but after watching the film I did a search for the poem online. I'm so happy I read the poem myself because I don't think the movie did it enough justice. While watching the film it was hard to follow the narrative of the poem because there was so much going on in the movie at the same time the poem was being read. Plus I think I got a greater appreciation for the message of the poem after reading it myself and digesting it in my own quiet environment.

The last two lines of the poem made a big impact on me and in particular my fight against cancer. The last two lines are:
"I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul."
I feel in my journey fighting cancer I have worked hard to be the captain of my fight. I have always tried to by determined and strong when receiving my chemotherapy and radiation treatments. I know it is tough at times to be the master of your fate, especially when fighting a major illness, but I truly believe that when you do take that control and are resilient, you can succeed, at least in one form or another. Whether you achieve peace with yourself, your family or friends, or you are cured, taking control over your mind and heart can lead to positives.

It is interesting to note that the author, Henley, also battled with health problems of his own. According to wikipedia, Henley suffered from tuberculosis of the bone at the age of 12. The tuberculosis resulted in the amputation of his left leg below the knee. I am sure this poem reflects some of his courage and strength he had to have, when he had his leg amputated. The title "Invictus" is actually Latin for "unconquerable" or "undefeated", which is a trait I'm sure Henley knows about first hand. I can only imagine that Henley felt a little bit invincible after surviving and learning to live with an amputated leg. That is really strength in its strongest form.

Here is the poem in full form. I encourage you to read it. I hope you can find the same inspiration I did after reading it. I know this will be a poem I will revisit time after time when I'm confronted with future challenges.
Danielle

"Invictus"

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade.
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

2010

I can't believe 2010 is here. I hope everyone had a nice celebration bringing in the new year. I know I'm excited for the new year and its potential for so many new opportunities. I also like New Year's Day because I love to watch the "Twilight Zone." Each New Year's Day it is a family tradition to watch some of the Syfy marathon on TV. I think the show is great. Rod Serling is a creative genius, plus he has the perfect voice. Each story really makes you think about our culture and how we value everyday things and concepts.

For instance, one episode I really like is called "The Rip Van Winkle Caper." In this episode four gold thieves steal $1 million worth of gold bricks. The thieves then sleep for 100 years in a special gas chamber in hopes that in the future everyone would not remember their robbery. The plan works until the men become greedy and turn on one another. Eventually all four of the thieves are dead and you see the twist at the end of the show-that gold is no longer of any value. People in the future had found a way of manufacturing gold, so the men's precious gold was no longer of any importance. So all of that work, time, greed, and death meant nothing in the long run for the four men. I find this concept so interesting, especially in today's economy, because I think in our world we put so much importance on physical objects, like gold and money, and who knows if they will be of any importance in 100 years. Our world develops so fast that it is hard to think of one thing that could not be redeveloped sometime in our future.

On a separate note, I must admit though I'm a little disappointed that I'm continuing my cancer fight into the new year. My original plan was to have finished my cancer treatments by the end of 2009. However, unfortunately that's not the case and I'm still undergoing my radiation treatments into the middle of January. I guess I was hoping the New Year would mean a clean slate and a new beginning for my health, and when I found out my plan had changed, I was crestfallen.

On the flip side though, my radiation treatments are going very smoothly. All of the radiation technicians are great and very helpful. It's also funny because now I feel as if I can get myself anywhere on the UCLA Medical Center. Anyone who has been to the UCLA Medical Center knows just how big that place is, it's crazy! I remember at first being so confused on where I should go, but now it's kind of funny that I'm the one helping other people get around the hospital.

I do sometimes get annoyed with the drive down to Westwood Monday thru Friday (plus what's with $11 parking?!), but my family and friends have been great support. I'm so lucky that I always have someone willing to make the trip down with me so I don't have to go alone. Here is a picture from New Year's Eve when my brother and sisters came with me to my radiation treatment. They're the best!

As far as side effects from the radiation, my throat has been hurting. It is just like a constant sore throat, but I have found keeping hydrated does help somewhat. I'm trying to keep rested, and have actually started taking some light walks. It has been really nice getting some exercise in and being outside in the sunlight. It is amazing how the sun can really brighten-up your mood and health.

Danielle